Empathy

History is not just facts and events. History is also a pain in the heart and we repeat history until we are able to make another's pain in the heart our own. ~Julius Lester

We mentioned earlier in this document that empathy is an integral part of developing awareness. It is an important element if we truly desire to address inequities when it comes to social justice. Empathy is crucial for discovering our common yearnings whether they be for individual fulfillment, social justice, or safety. To challenge injustice and value diversity and pave the way in which we all share a common humanity, it behooves us to listen empathetically to another, especially to one who has a different world view from us.

Karen Armstrong, who paved the way for The Charter for Compassion, notes in accepting the prestigious Princess of Asturias Award for Social Sciences for 2017 how intertwined we all are and says “It is therefore essential that we understand the religious, political and ideological aspirations and fears of our global neighbours. There is much talk about winning the battle for hearts and minds, but we shall be unable to do this unless we know what is really in them, as opposed to what we imagine might be there. We urgently need to examine received ideas and assumptions, look beneath the sound-bites of the news to the complex realities that are tearing our world apart, realizing, at a profound level, that we share the planet not with inferiors but equals.”

In this section on empathy, we will address:

• What is the role of empathy in seeing and working through the heart?
• What are key empathy skills and attitudes?
• What are empathy blockers?
• What are some key resources to develop empathy skills?
• What is the role of empathy in seeing and working through the heart?

Empathy is about standing in someone else’s shoes, feeling with his or her heart, seeing with his or her eyes. Not only is empathy hard to outsource and automate, but it makes the world a better place. ~Daniel H. Pink

Seeing and working through the heart as we listen with empathy to those who suffer injustice, discrimination, lack of inclusion, inequalities, loss of human rights clearly makes a difference. It is something that we as individuals can offer to each other as fellow human beings.

It is also important as we listen to someone who has a totally different viewpoint as to how to address inequality, injustice. Or we listen to someone who sees no injustice. Often we avoid, cut off communication, or rush to present our viewpoint. This leads to fragmentation, division, polarization, and ill will. Collaboration, mutuality, and problem solving go by the wayside.

So empathy can assist us as we work with others to address these injustices and suffering. Often in collective efforts, we find ourselves at odds with our colleagues, and conflict can emerge as to how to proceed.

Empathy is a key component of compassion. As Karen Armstrong says in Twelves Steps to a Compassionate Life: “If it is not tempered by compassion, and empathy, reason can lead men and women into a moral void.” Empathy offers presence, understanding to another person. Compassion is both becoming aware of another’s suffering and having the desire to do something to alleviate that suffering. Compassion calls for action, either individual and/or collective action. This handbook will first address empathy and then in a later section, address compassion,

What are some key empathy skills and attitudes?

Here are six key attitudes and skills that foster empathetic understanding, trust, and respect and are presented through images.

1. Carl Rogers was one of the earliest pioneers of empathetic listening. His approach is summed up in this quote found in cultureofempathy.com. Rogers (1902-1987) was a humanistic psychologist who agreed with the main assumptions of Abraham Maslow, but added that for a person to "grow", they need an environment that provides them with genuineness (openness and self-disclosure), acceptance (being seen with unconditional positive regard), and empathy (being listened to and understood).

Without these, relationships and healthy personalities will not develop as they should, much like a tree will not grow without sunlight and water.

Rogers believed that every person can achieve their goals, wishes and desires in life. When, or rather if they did so, self actualization took place.  This was one of Carl Rogers most important contributions to psychology and for a person to reach their potential a number of factors must be satisfied. Source: Simply Psychology

 

The quote to the left demonstrates that the foundation of empathy is full listening.

Reflections:

• Recall an experience of someone fully listening to you? How did you feel?

• Recall an experience of yourself fully listening to someone? How did you feel?

• How can being truly listened to change your attitude and your actions?

• How can listening to another person truly position the way you hear others?

• How do you interact with someone who does not really engage in conversation but intent on pursuing a one-way conversation?

2. Stephen Covey shares a perspective on how to listen with empathy.https://www.franklincovey.com/the-7-habits.html

Over his lifetime, Stephen inspired millions with the power of universal principles. As he traveled the globe many times over, his message was a simple one: for true success and meaning in life, we must be principle-centered in all areas of life. A teacher at heart, he often taught: "there are three constants in life: change, choice and principles."

From the oval office, the board room, community halls and to the school house and family room, Stephen taught the mindset, skillset and toolset found in the 7 habits of Highly effective people, his seminal work.

Simply stated, the quote to the right indicates that we adopt the attitude of truly wanting to hear and understand the other whether it is his/her experience, pain, story, or joy. Simply listening by being present, attentive, and quiet provides space for the other to share thoughts, feelings, experiences, values, and perspectives.

Reflections:

• How does Covey's messsage make you feel?

• What makes it difficult to stop and listen to another, especially when you disagree, hear pain, or so desperately want to be understood and/or express yourself?

• What is your experience when you want to be understood and your listener interrupts, changes the subject, attempts to educate you, and/or presents his point of view?

 

3. Theresa Wiseman, a British nursing scholar, studied professions where empathy is relevant, and as a result of that study, identifies 4 key elements/attributes of empathy. PDF download: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/227941757_A_concept ...

The four attributes are:

To be able to see the world as others see it,

To be non-judgmental,

To understand another person’s feelings, and

To communicate the understanding of that person’s feelings.

Often as we listen to another person, we find ourselves judging, evaluating what is being said. To make an empathetic connection means that we discipline ourselves to suspend all that is going on inside ourselves so that we can be present in the moment with the person. We stop ourselves from analyzing. We stop ourselves from judging. This is an active choice to suspend our natural tendency so that we can stay open and receptive to hearing the perspective of the other person. We are with the person. We also need to set aside our own emotions as we listen and hear the feelings being shared. We listen. And then we listen. And then we listen some more.

This kind of listening is one that needs on-going practice. We will discuss how to communicate our understanding of what we hear in the next section.

Reflections:

• Which of these four elements is difficult for you to practice?

4. To communicate the understanding of another person’s feelings, this chart refines ways to reflect what we hear.

When we do this, we are strengthening the bond between ourselves and others. This kind of reflecting lets the other person meet the human yearning of being heard, being seen, and hopefully understood. It also provides a space for the person to clarify what we did not hear or understand. This kind of active listening creates the space for dialogue. Once someone is heard, then he or she can be willing to listen to us. True understanding can result.

Reflections:

• Which of these three ways of active listening is easy for you to do?

• Which is difficult for you?

5. Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) originator, takes empathy to yet another level, as he suggests that all humans experience universal needs. With that in mind, we realize that all actions are strategies for meeting the common needs. With that realization, empathetic listening and reflecting entails our acknowledging a need(s) that underlie what the person is saying and/or doing.

Marshall offers: “When we hear the other person’s feelings and need, we recognize our common humanity.” Needs are not strategies or actions to meet our needs. Some basic categories of needs include: Autonomy, Integrity, nurturence, Interdependence, Celebration of Life, Physical Survival, Spiritual Communion, Connection, Peace, Freedom, Meaning. He suggests that “everything we do is in service of our needs.” With that in mind, empathetic listening includes reflecting on what we imagine the need to be. We can do this by reflecting, “Are you (pick a feeling) because you want (need) ...?” The NVC Model is simple, though is often difficult to do in practice.

See resources for ways to learn more about the NVC process.

Reflections:

• Without any further study of NVC, what do you take from this?

• Which category of needs mentioned above seem relevant to social justice?

6. Presence is sometimes all it takes.

Each of us have stories. We are better when we are able to tell them.

We are better when we are able to hear them. ~Unknown

As we set our sights to be empathetic, the images to your right remind us that along with skills, there is an attitude, a way of being that supports the skills.

There are times in listening, when we may say nothing. So often we listen in order to be able to reply.

Our presence underscores the value of seeing and working through the heart.

Being present, sincerely caring, and demonstrating our wish to communicate with sincerity and integrity speaks volumes.

What are empathy blockers?

Often our best intentions to be empathetic, to listen are challenged by habitual responses that we make. Many of us love to talk, to educate, to try to fix or advise. Take a look at common responses that interrupt the kind of empathetic listening that creates the space for a person to express what is alive inside.

Reflections:

• Which of these do you find yourself using?

• Which one do you dislike hearing when you so desire empathy?

• What are some key resources to develop empathy skills?

The Center for Nonviolent Communication 

Making the world a more compassionate place through nonviolent communication. Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is based on the principles of nonviolence-- the natural state of compassion when no violence is present in the heart.

NVC begins by assuming that we are all compassionate by nature and that violent strategies— whether verbal or physical—are learned behaviors taught and supported by the prevailing culture. NVC also assumes that we all share the same, basic human needs, and that each of our actions are a strategy to meet one or more of these needs.

People who practice NVC have found greater authenticity in their communication, increased understanding, deepening connection and conflict resolution.

The NVC community is active in over 65 countries around the globe. Find out more about how NVC is changing the world and how you can get involved.

References

Krznaric, Roman. (2010), Empathy: Why It Matters and How to Get it. Retrieved from http://books.google.com

Roman Krznaric’s book shows how we can boost our empathy and use it to “tackle social problems from everyday prejudice to violent conflicts.” Empathy, Krznaric argues, has the power to transform relationships, from the personal to the political, and create fundamental social change. Krznaric argues our brains are wired for social connection: empathy is at the heart of who we are. It’s an essential, transforming quality we must develop for the 21st Century. Available in English, Chinese, Korean, Croatian, Portuguese, Dutch, and Turkish. Coming soon in Hungarian.

Site romankrznaric.com includes links to:

• Empathy Library: What are the world’s most inspiring empathy books and films? Lists the latest Tops Tens, based on ratings given by members of the Empathy Library.
• Empathy Museum https://theempathyinitiative.org/virtual-empathy-museum/
• Ted Talk by Krznaric: How to start an empathy revolution: Roman Krznaric at TEDxAthens2013 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RT5X6NIJR88
• This talk is based on his new book Empathy: A Handbook for Revolution. Roman is a founding faculty member of The School of Life in London, and advises organizations including Oxfam and the United Nations on using empathy and conversation to create social change.

He is also founder of the world's first Empathy Library. Krzanaric has been named by The Observer as one of Britain's leading lifestyle philosophers.

The Center for Building a Culture of Empathy
http://cultureofempathy.com

The Center for Building a Culture of Empathy is the home of the global empathy movement. Their mission is to build a movement for creating a global worldwide culture of empathy and compassion. The Center does this through a variety of means. First by community organizing and by collecting, curating and organizing all the materiall found on the topic. A current focus is on forming an International Empathy Trainers Association (IETA), an academic empathy training literature review meta-study, and public "Empathy Tent" listening deployments.

The Center is also a portal for resources and information about the values of empathy and compassion. The site contains the largest collection of: articles, conferences, definitions, experts, history, interviews, organizations, videos, science and much more about empathy and compassion. To stay up to date on the latest, sign up fort heir Facebook: Page, Group.

Exercises/Worksheets/Readings/PDFs

Two part booklet: Connecting with Others through EmpathyBuilding Up Your Empathy and Community Q&A http://www.wikihow.com/Show-Empathy

PDF Download: The Seven Challenges Workbook: A Guide to Listening, Self-expression, Creative Question Asking, Gratitude, and more. Available in Spanish and Portuguese. WWW.NEWCONVERSATIONS.NET

PDF Download: Challenge One: Deep Listening Empathy in Action—Listening More Carefully and Responsively
http://newconversations.net/pdf/seven_challenges_chapter1.pdf

Conflict Emergency Kit (Suggestion is that a copy be given to each person in conflict) http://www.newconversations.net/communication-skills-library-of-articles-and-teaching- materials/conflict-resolution-emergency-kit

Shifting Toward Compassion—The Exercise
http://theexercise.org

Written and assembled by Pattie William, Compassionate Fayetteville